Choose Your Own Misery Holidays

By Mary Nielsen on Dec 24, 2014 in christmas, Stories

May as well get this over with as quickly as possible.

As soon as you hear a knock, you open the door. The man in front of you is smiling in a way that seems about to reveal the insides of his cheeks. He looks like the kindergarten teacher no one wants their kid to get.

“Oh, carolers!” you say, feigning excitement. You’ve learned from past mistakes that acting as annoyed as you feel is just asking for some horrible, self-arranged medley meant to “win you over.”

“Ahem. With best wishes for the holiday season, we present to you...a ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!”

The entire crowd launches into an abysmal rendition of “Please Come Home for Christmas,” a low point of even the Eagles’s career, which is saying a lot.

“Choirs will be SINGING!” the self-proclaimed leader wails. “Silent Niiiiiiiight.”

Three middle aged women step forward, pulling open their coats to reveal sequinned dresses, like some dumpy 60s girl-band. “Si-hi-lent Night,” they chant.

Jesus, will this never end?

Not before a short, scrawny man in possibly the douchiest fedora you’ve ever seen springs around the side to sing a surprisingly bass “Christmas wuh-unce uh-gyaaaaaaa-ennnnnnnnnn.” They even brought their own Rick Astley. You never knew it could be this bad.

But, mercifully, it’s over now.

“Hey, thanks for that guys. Have a good night,” you say, stepping back to close the door.

“We will, thanks!” Leader says with a terrifyingly wide smile. “We’ll be on our way just as soon as you serve us our wassail!”

Come the f*** on.

But he’s serious. At least enough so that he’s planted his foot in the doorway. Fine, just beg off; it’ll be socially awkward for a minute but it’s not like you care what the middle aged supremes, Rick Astley 2.0, or a creepy-possibly-pedophilic kid’s show host think of you.

“Sorry guys, I don’t have any wassail in the house. I’m not really one for mulled beverages.”

“Oh that’s alright, as you can probably tell from our song choice, we’re not exactly traditionalists.” The creeper starts laughing, and, as if on cue, the rest of the group joins. You swear some of them are trying to harmonize. “Honestly, anything seasonal that you’d like to serve us is fine!”

There are at least twelve people in the caroling group. And you live mostly on takeout. Forget seasonal, you may not have anything to serve them, full stop.

If you want to close the door in their faces, click here. 

If you want to try to cobble something together from your meager stores, click here.