Choose Your Own Misery Holidays

By Mary Nielsen on Dec 24, 2014 in christmas, Stories

This is a mini-miserable story written by Jilly Gagnon & Mike MacDonald.

If you turn the lights and TV off now, they’ll never know you home, right? After all, your neighbor hasn’t shoveled his walk all season. Actually, he’s really old; maybe you should check tomorrow to see whether the smell of death is leaking onto the street. Regardless, the upside is that the carolers are probably too preoccupied with their footing to notice anything else.

You stretch over to hit the light switch off, quickly pivoting to the remote control to silence the TV just seconds later. You’re a goddammed athlete!

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

Not a second too soon. You stay zombie-still on the sofa.

Just leave. Just. Leave.

Instead, they start singing.

Christmas Time is Here Again! Christmas Time is Heee--eeeeere!”

Ugh. This is why everyone is wrong about the Beatles. Hacks. Obviously.

“Christmas time is here again,” they shout for what seems like an eternity.

“This is Paul McCartney here, I'd just like to wish you everything you wished yourself for Christmas!” one of the carolers intones. Jesus, they’re even doing the sign offs? You’ve never hated anything so much as you hate this moment of your life.

Still, all things must end. You do a little fistpump--this will all be over soon.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

Shit. Apparently not.  

“We know you’re in there!” one of the carolers yells. “We saw you turn out the lights!”

You almost shout out, “they’re on a timer,” but that would give away the game.  

If you want to keep playing “not home,” click here. 

If you want to try to sneak into the shower as an excuse, click here.